You already know the answer.
I don't mean you're pretending not to know. I mean the part of you that knows is being drowned out by the part that's afraid. That's what this kind of question is really about.
When someone asks "should I leave?" what they're usually asking is "can you give me permission?" or "can you make this less scary?"
Nobody can do either of those things for you. But I can tell you what I've noticed about this kind of situation.
Table of Contents
The Pattern Is the Answer
One boundary violation is an incident. Two might be coincidence. Three is who they are.
People don't actually change that often. They can, but it's rare and it's hard. What's common is people promising to change while doing the same thing again. If you've had the same conversation five times and nothing's different, you have your answer.
The specific boundary violation doesn't matter that much. What matters is the pattern. Are things getting better or worse? Is there actual change or just better apologies?
Most people in your situation are tracking the wrong metric. They're counting how many times their partner says "I'm sorry" or "I'll do better." That's the wrong number. The right number is: how many times has the behavior actually changed?
The Real Question
You're asking "should I leave?" But the real question is usually "why am I still here?"
There are good reasons to stay:
- You genuinely want this relationship, not just any relationship
- The relationship makes your life bigger, not smaller
- Both of you are actually working on things, not just you
- There's real change happening, not just promises
- This violation is genuinely out of character, not part of a pattern
- You haven't actually communicated your boundary clearly yet
- Your partner has demonstrated real repair through changed behavior
Then there are bad reasons to stay:
- You're afraid of being alone
- You've invested too much time to quit now
- You think you can't do better
- You feel guilty about leaving
- You're managing their emotions at the expense of yours
- You're staying out of obligation, not desire
- You're hoping they'll eventually become who they promised to be
Here's a test: Imagine your best friend described your relationship to you. What would you tell them to do?
You'd tell them to leave, wouldn't you?
What "Doing the Work" Means
People talk about "doing the work" in relationships like it's always virtuous. Sometimes it is. Often it isn't.
Working on a relationship makes sense when both people want the same thing and are both trying. It doesn't make sense when you're doing all the work while they keep crossing the same boundary.
You can't do someone else's work for them. You can't want change for them. If they're not changing after you've clearly asked them to, they don't want to. Believe what they do, not what they say.
The hardest thing to accept is that some relationships are over before you leave them. The work isn't saving them. The work is admitting they're done.
The Body Knows
Here's something I've noticed: your body usually knows before your mind admits it.
When you think about staying, how does your stomach feel? When you think about leaving, what's underneath the fear?
If imagining the end of this relationship feels more like relief than grief, you're not in a fight to save something. You're in a fight to accept what's already true.
What I Think
I think most people asking this question already know they need to leave. They're looking for permission or courage or a sign.
This is your sign.
Not because I know your specific situation. But because the pattern is so consistent. People in good relationships don't agonize like this. They don't lie awake replaying the same fight. They don't wonder if they're crazy for having boundaries.
If you've clearly communicated what you need, given time for change, and nothing's different, you have your answer. It's just not the answer you wanted.
Leaving doesn't mean you failed. Sometimes it means you finally succeeded at being honest with yourself.
If you want to learn how to set healthy boundaries in an open relationship I recommend checking out our boundaries workbook.
