You and your partner have talked it through, opened your relationship, and now you're ready to start dating. Then you meet someone you're interested in.
Now comes the awkward part:
"When do I tell them I have a partner? Will they think I'm weird? What if this is a total deal-breaker and I blow my chance?"
Maybe you're even thinking:
"Could I just... not mention it? At least for now?"
I've been there. That moment when you realize you need to navigate something most people never ever have to deal with. The fear of missing out on something great because of your relationship structure and plain old rejection.
There's a right way to handle it. And it's simpler than you think.
Table of Contents
You Have To Tell Them
Let's get this out of the way first: you have to tell them.
Not eventually, not after a few dates, not after you've kissed. You have to tell them early. Here's why:
It's honest and respectful to your current partner. You made agreements together. Keeping your relationship structure secret from new people is betraying the trust you've built with your partner.
Your dates have a right to informed consent. This is the "ethical" part of ethical non-monogamy. The person you're interested in deserves to know what they're getting into. They need to make an informed choice about whether they want to date someone who's already partnered.
Maybe they're looking for something serious and monogamous. Maybe they only have so much emotional energy for dating and want to invest it where there's potential for growth. Maybe they're cool with non-monogamy but wouldn't have swiped right if they'd known upfront. Whatever their reason, they deserve the full picture before deciding to pursue you.
When to Bring It Up
The answer is simple: before the first date.
I know that feels scary. You don't want to blow your chance, right? You don't want to scare someone off before they've even gotten to know you. But if your relationship structure is a deal-breaker for them, that's not going to change after they meet you.
At the very least, you need to disclose before any physical intimacy happens. Because once you cross that line without telling them, you've actively deceived them.
My rule? I always make sure they know before we go on a first date. If it doesn't come up naturally in our conversation, I bring it up directly before we make plans.
That way, they can make an informed decision about whether they want to pursue me. That's how you avoid drama down the line.
How to Bring It Up
There are a few ways to tell them. There's the subtle approach, where you weave it into conversation like:
"My partner went on a date last week and a funny thing happened..."
or:
"Since we opened it up our relationship, I've been pushing myself to plan more creative dates. It's been fun getting out of my comfort zone."
This will prompt them to ask questions. Voila!
Or you can just be direct:
"Hey, you should know that I'm in an open relationship. My partner and I are allowed to date and have sex with other people. We're honest and transparent about it. Are you okay with that?"
Clear and straightforward.
You're giving them all the information they need to make their choice. You're showing respect for their time and emotions. And you're demonstrating confidence in who you are and how you do relationships.
Be Proud
However you bring it up, do it with confidence. Don't mumble. Don't apologize. Don't act ashamed or embarrassed.
I know that takes practice when you're starting out. But if you seem ashamed it will come off as deceptive. Like you're hiding something or you know what you're doing is wrong.
You need to own it. "This is who I am. I'm in an open relationship. I have a partner and I still date others. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm doing it honestly and ethically."
So the first step is to commit to it fully.
Rejection Is Good
Will some people be turned off? Absolutely. You'll lose some opportunities. Some people who might have been interested initially will decide this is a deal-breaker.
And guess what? That's a good thing.
Those are not the people you want to date anyway.
If someone's looking for monogamy or isn't open to non-traditional relationship structures, forcing that connection would only lead to problems later. Hurt feelings, unmet expectations, heaps of drama.
Your disclosure works as a filter.
You're weeding out incompatible matches before you waste time and emotional energy on them.
The people who stick around? Those are your people.
They're open-minded. Adventurous. Willing to challenge conventional relationship norms. Curious.
They are way more fun to be around.
Be Honest
I know this feels intimidating.
You're putting yourself out there and risking rejection based on something that has nothing to do with your attractiveness or compatibility as individuals.
But that vulnerability is the price of living authentically.
If you want to practice ethical non-monogamy, you have to embrace the "ethical" part. That means honesty, even when it's uncomfortable.
Start with confidence. Practice what you will say or write in a message until it feels right.
Expect some people to walk away, and be okay with that.
Because the ones who stay are worth it.
