Boundaries vs Rules in Open Relationships

You and your partner have decided to try opening up your relationship...and you probably have no idea what you're doing. You've never done this before, but you're trying to be smart about it. You've been researching online, reading articles, and lurking in forums trying to figure out how to do ethical non-monogamy the "right way."

Everywhere you look, people talk about the importance of having clear rules and agreements. So naturally you've been writing lists. Can we date coworkers? What about friends? Do we not say anything about our other dates? Or do we give each other a heads up? Are overnights okay? What about holidays? An endless stream of questions it seems.

You may have even worked up the courage to post your rules in an forum, looking for some helpful feedback or maybe some suggestions for rules you hadn't thought of. Instead, you got people saying rules are toxic and controlling. Now you're even more confused than when you started. Are rules good or bad? What's the difference between a rule and a boundary? How are you supposed to navigate opening your relationship safely without some kind of guidelines?

Let's start from the beginning and figure this out together, shall we?

First of all: boundaries and rules both have their place in relationships. The problem isn't that you want structure in your open relationship - that's actually healthy and necessary. The issue is often in how these structures are created, who they serve, and how they impact people who weren't present when those decisions were made.

If you talk to couples entering nonmonogamy, some common patterns emerge. In fact, some are so predictable that more experienced folks can spot them from afar.

The fact that you're reading this implies that you care. You want to do this ethically and create relationships that are healthy. That's great! There are challenges between where you are now and where you want to go, but anything worth doing has obstacles to overcome. My goal with this article is to explain how you can create the relationship structure you want without inadvertently causing harm to yourself or your partners.

Let's start by understanding the critical difference between boundaries and rules:

This distinction seems simple, but in practice, the line gets blurry. Many people frame rules as boundaries to make them seem more reasonable and less controlling:

"I have a boundary that my partner doesn't sleep with my friends" isn't actually a boundary, it's a rule disguised as one.

A genuine boundary would be:

"I choose not to be in relationships where my partner sleeps with my friends."

Common Issues When Creating Agreements

Most people entering ENM do so with good intentions. They genuinely want to create an arrangement that honors their existing relationship while opening the door to new connections. When creating their first relationship agreement, most couples focus on these concerns:

1. Protection from STIs and other health risks
2. Protecting time for the primary relationship
3. Preventing emotional attachments that could threaten the primary relationship
4. Clarifying what information gets shared and what remains private
5. Managing jealousy and insecurity

These are all legitimate concerns! But the solutions people reach for often create more problems than they solve. Let's dive into why that happens.

When Protection Becomes Prison

When you create rules to manage your insecurities, you're building what I like to call a "Box of Rules." This box might make you feel safe, but there's something crucial you're forgetting - any new partner who enters your life will have to live inside that box. And unlike you, they didn't get to help design it.

Here's an example. You and your partner might decide that to manage jealousy, any new connections can only be physical, not emotional. "No falling in love" becomes a rule. Sounds reasonable when you're both nodding your heads around the kitchen table, doesn't it?

But think about this from the perspective of the new person who enters the picture. They're expected to engage physically with someone while artificially capping their emotions. Humans don't work that way - we don't have emotional dimmer switches we can simply set to "casual only." When emotions develop (and they will), the new person is now in an impossible position: honor their authentic feelings or honor the rule they agreed to.

Let's look at some other common open relationship rules and why they're problematic:

"You must come home by midnight." While it might seem reasonable to want your partner home at a certain time, this rule infantilizes both your partner and their date. What happens when they're having a meaningful conversation that runs long? What if traffic is bad? The rule prioritizes the clock over human connection.

"Your date will be 4 hours long." This type of time restriction creates artificial pressure that hurts organic connection. Imagine you're on a date that's going wonderfully - you're deep in conversation, there's chemistry, and you're both enjoying each other's company. Then someone glances at their watch and says, "Sorry, I only have 30 more minutes before I need to leave." This immediately shifts the focus from the connection to the ticking clock. Humans don't form meaningful connections on a schedule, and having an arbitrary time limit forces both people to constantly monitor the time rather than being present with each other.

"No sleeping over at their place." This one's rooted in the idea that sharing a bed overnight is somehow more threatening than sex itself. But it creates awkward situations where people are driving home late at night or cutting intimate connections short arbitrarily.

"We need to approve each other's partners." This creates a power imbalance where existing partners become gatekeepers, and new people have to pass a test they didn't sign up for. Consider the perspective of the date. Imagine you get vetoed out of seeing a person you like by a person who has never even met you.

"No dating our friends/coworkers/etc." While understandable (nobody wants awkwardness in their social circle), this rule severely limits the pool of potential partners to strangers only, cutting off connections that often have the most natural foundation. It's fine to have a so called "messy list", but be real about your actual dating opportunities and places to meet new people.

The Underlying Fear

At the heart of most restrictive rules is a fundamental fear: if my partner experiences new forms of connection, they might discover something better and leave me. This fear isn't silly or irrational - it's deeply human. But trying to prevent this through rules is like trying to prevent rain by banning clouds.

The uncomfortable truth: creating rules doesn't actually prevent people from leaving. It just creates situations where people feel trapped, resentful, or compelled to break rules. No relationship agreement can guarantee permanence. The only true security comes from continuously investing in and nurturing your connection.

From Rules to Boundaries: A Better Approach

So if rules aren't the answer, what is? The key is shifting from rules (controlling others) to boundaries (honoring your own needs).

Identify Your Actual Needs

Instead of jumping to solutions (rules), start with identifying what you're actually afraid of. For example:

• "I'm afraid of feeling forgotten or replaced."
• "I worry about sexual health risks."
• "I'm concerned about having enough quality time together."
• "I'm anxious about how our families or friends would react."

These are valid concerns that deserve attention.

Create Personal Boundaries

Once you've identified your needs, create boundaries that are about your choices and behaviors, not controlling your partner. For example:

• "I need at least two date nights a week to feel connected and prioritized. I'll communicate when I'm feeling disconnected."
• "I choose to only have unprotected sex with partners who share recent STI test results and practice safer sex with others."
• "I value privacy, so I choose not to share intimate details about our relationship with mutual friends."
• "I value transparency, so I need to be in relationships where partners openly communicate about new connections."

Notice how none of these dictate what another person must do - they clarify what you need and how you'll respond.

Make Requests, Not Demands

When you have preferences about how your partner conducts their other relationships, frame them as requests rather than rules. For example:

• "Would you be willing to text me when you're on your way home so I don't worry?"
• "I'd appreciate it if you'd introduce me to new partners before things get serious."
• "Could we agree to check in the day after dates to reconnect?"

Your partner is free to say yes or no, and you're free to decide how to respond to their answer.

Accept That Agreements Will Evolve

The most successful ENM relationships understand that no agreement is permanent. As you gain experience, your needs will change. Someone who was terrified of their partner having an overnight date in month one might be completely comfortable with week-long trips in year two.

Revisit your agreements regularly. Ask: "Is this still serving us? What have we learned? What fears have proven unfounded? What new challenges have emerged?"

The Common Pitfalls to Avoid

As you shift from rules to boundaries, watch out for these common pitfalls:

The Veto Power Trap

Many couples include "veto power" in their agreements - the ability to unilaterally end a partner's other relationship. While this seems like the ultimate safety net, it's actually a relationship nuclear option that causes more harm than good.

Veto power creates an environment of insecurity for all new connections. Would you fully invest in a relationship knowing it could be terminated at any moment by someone you're not even dating? Moreover, it doesn't address the underlying issues causing the desire to veto.

And let's not forget, vetos breed resentment. You might veto a person to make yourself feel more secure, but think about what you partner feels, when you veto their lover. They might break off contact, begrudgingly but deep inside they might start resenting you for killing the relationship they've built.

Instead of veto power, commit to honest communication about concerns. "I'm feeling threatened by your relationship with Sam because..." opens a conversation; "I'm vetoing Sam" ends one.

Many couples insist on Veto power, and it's ok to have that nuclear option. But keep in mind that it's a double-edged sword. It's a powerful tool, but it can also cause a lot of damage.

The Fairness Fallacy

Many couples try to make things "equal" - if one person has two dates this week, the other should too. But relationships aren't accounting ledgers. People connect at different rates and in different ways.

Focus on whether each person's needs are being met, not whether experiences are identical. Sometimes "fair" means one partner has three casual connections while another has one deep one - if both are fulfilled, that's what matters.

You have to take into account the marketplace problem: it is far easier for women to find casual dates that in it is for men. That does not mean that men can't be successful in ENM, it's just that the market has an inherent unbalanced dynamic that you can't magically wish away.

The "Just This Once" Exception

When rules get broken (and they will), there's a tendency to grant "just this once" exceptions rather than examining why the rule wasn't working. This creates a pattern of rule-breaking and exception-granting that undermines the entire agreement.

Instead, view rule-breaking as valuable information. What need was your partner trying to meet? Why did the rule feel impossible to follow in that moment? This is how growth happens.

Trust the Process, Not the Rules

The irony of ENM is that the more you try to control it through rules, the more likely it is to fail. The couples who thrive are those who:

• Trust themselves to communicate their needs
• Trust their partners to care about those needs
• Trust that authentic relationships, even when challenging, are more fulfilling than controlled ones

Will you make mistakes along the way? Absolutely. Will there be tears, difficult conversations, and moments of doubt? Count on it. But there will also be growth, discovery, and connections that wouldn't have been possible within a rigid structure of rules.

Remember, the goal isn't to create the perfect relationship agreement. The goal is to create relationships where everyone feels valued, heard, and free to be authentic. Sometimes that means letting go of certainty and embracing vulnerability instead.

So go ahead - tear up that long list of rules. Replace it with honest expressions of your needs and fears. Have the courage to ask for what you want without demanding it. And remember that in the end, no agreement can make a relationship work if the foundation isn't there.

If you want practical exercises to work through boundaries, you can check out our boundary workbook.